When I found out I was pregnant, I was completely surprised. I remember thinking my life was instantly over and focusing on all the things I wouldn’t get to do. When would I go back to India?! I needed to find a proper career and stick with it. Maybe I would become a teacher…that’s a nice stable job. Damn, no more crop tops!
I had such mixed feelings that while a part of me was elated to be carrying this amazing little peppercorn that was developing week-by-week, the other half was mourning and prepared to live a life where I was no longer myself but a shadow of who I used to be. To be brutally honest I thought Amy was gone.
Growing up, I used to watch aunties around me lose their names after they became mums. I remember when I was a child, my Aunty Ama became Mumma Chrissy as soon as she had a baby (Chrissy was her daughter’s name). Though this has no negative connotation (and is supposed to be a sign of respect), I learned that when you become a mum, you lose yourself.
But contrary to what I thought, having my daughter has forced me to know myself deeper, explore things I had forgotten about, face my fears, and process things in a new way a different way. Being a mum has shown me the beautiful colours in me. Just like that, I’ve learned new things about myself and rekindled old passions as I tried to navigate through motherhood. I guess that out of this hazy time of raising a newborn, I realized I was a newborn too, and we were both just doing this thing together.
I guess the best way to describe it is like being handed the baton in a relay race, running with no idea of where you’re going, and not knowing when you will finish. I feel that every time I am super confident in a routine or my abilities as a mother, my daughter changes, and I’m left behind exhausted, trying to catch up. I wrote this poem one night out of utter frustration, exhaustion and, of course, love.
I expand for you —
I expand for you,
Not just physically but mentally too
You have left your print on me… momentarily
But eternally forever
Rearrange my heart,
There is space,
Rearrange my Kidneys
There is space,
Rearrange my priorities…
There is space
I rearrange my home…
There is space
Space for you to grow
Once empty shelves now full
iCloud memory also full
You teach me a patience a Corinthian could only dream of
You push me
Yet I pushed you
But I will expand for you
Because I’ve come to learn that as you grow, I grow too.
What inspired you to become a doula?
Women. Mothers. Sisters. Friends. These are the people who inspired me to become a doula.
Years prior, I worked tirelessly in an industry that feeds off of shaming women. After I quit modelling, I was exhausted—emotionally and physically. I was still healing from all the pain that it had caused me. I had outgrown it, and I knew for a long time that the lifestyle that came with it wasn’t aligned with who I wanted to be. Then, I discovered doulas and knowing that a career existed that solely focused on the wellbeing and support of new mothers ignited an excitement and sense of passion that I thought was long gone. But I soon understood just how little support there was for women in the western world on their journey through motherhood, and seeing those around me experience that firsthand was enough for me to want to follow this path.