Road to Motherhood

Photographed by Evelyn Eslava, Mother Muse Elise Harris

My road to motherhood has been unexpected. It’s been turbulent and painful and amazing. Becoming a mother was a sacred experience I look back on with excruciating memories. Becoming a mother challenged my every belief. It challenged who I thought I was. It broke me into a million pieces and rebuilt the woman I am. I am a mother of three children—two angels in Heaven and a beautiful little boy named Ezra.

Starting a family began with negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. It quickly turned into doctor’s appointments, blood draws, and fertility tests. IUI’s turned into IVF. And IVF turned into twins. A boy and a girl. I thought the worst was behind me. I thought that infertility was a mountain I climbed and conquered. I envisioned a life with these rambunctious twins I was beginning to feel moving around in my tummy. Just short of 22 weeks, I went into labour, and despite desperately begging God for a miracle, I delivered Mogens and Birte on December 30, 2017. They were beautiful. They were alive. They stole my heart, and I finally understood what becoming a mother felt like. Up until this point, it was the deepest feeling of connection I’ve ever experienced. It was magical and spiritual and agonizing. Saying goodbye to my children I just met was an experience no words can accurately describe. I am grateful for them. But I miss them with every fibre of my being. My motherly instincts long to hold them in my arms.

Time continued to pass, and the yearning for a child only continued to grow. The absence of my children on earth was a constant reminder that I couldn’t give up on my dreams of motherhood. As we explored our options of infertility treatments, a gestational carrier or adoption; adoption remained at the forefront of my heart and mind. It quickly became apparent to my husband and me that adoption was a route we were supposed to pursue. And from that moment on, we never looked back. Our son, Ezra, entered our lives on February 19, 2019. He is the joy of our lives. He is proof that a bond is not defined by biological connection. Love is not dependent on carrying a child in your womb. Motherhood is not conditional. Motherhood is as much a conscious choice as it is a natural process. My motherhood can be shared with my son’s incredible birth mother.

This time of year is full of mixed emotions. Grief often creeps into the crevasses of my day. The holidays are a reminder of what once was. But darkness cannot overtake the light that is the gratitude for my son. Every moment of every day is filled with the magic that is motherhood. I am thankful for every aspect of my journey to become a mother—to become Mogens, Birte, and Ezra’s mother. They have each individually taught me something different, something I needed to learn. From my experiences, I will continue to learn, and continue to grow throughout my life, always progressing as an individual and as a mother.

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