Here I am, a second child in the womb — another baby boy. But this letter is to you, Luca – my first son, because I know that in your brave little heart you don’t know what is to come. How your world is going to change.
When I first found out our first baby was a boy, I cried. I so badly wanted a girl for all the ways I could relate to her. I could not foresee the connection I could have with a little boy.
Oh, how wrong I was.
You are a reflection of me and of your father, yet you are your own.
You are a tender and observant child who isn’t afraid of emotion and isn’t afraid to ask for a hug. You are meticulous and determined, making sure all things are placed just so. You are equally enamored with rocks and flowers, returning from walks with grandpa pockets full to tell me about your adventures. You know me. I know you. You have been our world but I know you’ll learn to make space for another.
I just want you to remember, my first, that you helped me understand the beauty of motherhood. You and you alone. My Luca. You’ve inspired my work with reminders of curiosity and exploration, redeemed my understanding of childhood, and you invite me into your world each day – unguarded. Your hugs stop me in my tracks. One afternoon, you wrapped your arms around my legs and softly said: you are my favorite. You. You are everywhere: traces of little hands, half-peeled stickers, and songs where you changed all the words. All of these things have become the most beautiful, life-changing, ordinary moments since you’ve made me a mother.
When your baby brother gets here, you will wonder why my arms are full. But baby boy, my heart is not at all. You will wonder why I’m singing your song to another, but no one will ever take your place. I know you have never had to share your mom this way and I can’t imagine how scary and unfair that will feel at first. But here’s the thing – my love for you will never change. It may not feel like it at first, but as you learn to love him as much as I love you, you’ll realize that our hearts are capable of so much more love than we can imagine. I will sit back, watching in awe, this tiny being that is part me, part his own, loving to his best ability another little human and I will think: this is love. You will feel this because you are a part of me. You and I – we will love even more. Can you believe it?
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take, my sunshine away.
All my love,